Denial 101

Denial: is a defense mechanism' postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimization) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).

TYPES OF DENIAL:

1. Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms their behavior have caused to themselves or others. By doing this, that person is able to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent that person from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.

• Last Thursday, I went to Starbucks-Marquinton to meet Jaja. I also intended this meeting to compensate for my absence on her birthday party due to a cluttered schedule. I came early at our meeting place for the first time. (Hehehe…) Honestly, I was hesitant at first to tell her about my issue. I clarified to her that I don’t really need an advice I just need someone to listen to my rants and affirm my convictions that I may arrive to the right decisions. I told her about the whole story behind my blog entry “Sounds Familiar”. I stated all the evidence I got that led me to have a conclusion about it. She started to dissect the story by asking me questions. Then after explaining things, I asked her to tell my mistakes and she quickly answered, “The only mistake you committed was that you’ve made yourself too much involved in a situation where you shouldn’t.” I told her that my initial reaction when I learned about it was, I don’t know what to feel or if I should be feeling something. She affirmed that I should not be feeling anything at all. The discussion went well. It was very liberating to know I shouldn’t be really bothered about the whole story.

• I shouldn’t be feeling aggravated about my issue. In fact, I’m not privy to it. COLLATERAL DAMAGE----I think this word would completely rationalize why I felt a little bit annoyed upon knowing it. However, I should let it go and let God be God over my situation. I believe that no matter how I insist that I have the right to feel bad about it, nevertheless it will not lessen nor change the situation.

• I think that they are both happy about what they did. And all I need to do is to be happy for them even if my heart is still feeling the pain. After all, love is not all about having everything you want to have, but it is all about giving, sacrifice and believing the best in every person. Others may perceive that I’m in denial about it, but if that’s the only way to show that I have forgiven and forgotten things, then so be it.

2. Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior

• Last Sunday was Mother's Day. We paid tribute to one of God’s greatest gifts to all of us---our mothers. During the Morning Service, my Mom was our speaker and she talked about the characteristics that a Godly woman/mother should have. Then, all the mothers were prayed for by our Pastor (my Dad) and the whole congregation. Afterwards, the young people started to distribute the roses and certificates made by JP, while being serenaded by Wendy and Jen with their rendition of the song “Wind Beneath My Wings.” During the Afternoon Service, our Pastor talked about the calling and purpose of mothers. After the message, the young people again distributed the roses and gave the certificates, as I sang “Beautiful In My Eyes”.

• After the Afternoon Service, my family and Jen’s family went out to celebrate Mothers’ Day. Actually, it was an impulsive decision on our side, because we just wanted to treat my Mom and Mama Elena for a dinner. We went to Dampa-Marikina and spent the whole night for a sumptuous dinner. We even attempted to have some coffee, but most of us were already sleepy and very full so we went home after we had our dinner.

• One thing I thank God for having Cornerstone Christian Church is the bond that it has created among its member-families. I thank God for the bond He has created between my family and Jen’s. We’ve never been this close before. Like, we always have time eat dinner and relax in their house and vice-versa. I’ve cooked so many times for them. It has become a habit for us that after our worship team practice, we go straight to their house and eat our very late dinner. Then, every Sunday we also eat lunch together in the church and share food. I thank God for all these things. I know God has a purpose why He let our families to be close to one another. I will not deny that I love the bond God has created and allowed to grow between and among our families.

3. Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appears to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from them.

• Last Friday, I received an SMS from Sun Cellular telling me that I already exceeded 70% of my allowed credit line. At first, I was a bit shocked and in denial about it. How could it be? It’s been days only since I’ve paid my last bill, then SUN’s telling me that I’ve exceeded more than my credit line. I tried calling the SUN Hotline but the line was busy. So I sent an SMS to 205 and they replied:

“Your latest bill as of 04/212008 is Php 550.44. As of 5/9/2008, your unbilled charges amount to Php 554.41 exclusive of VAT, adjustments, OCT, one-time charges and roaming charges. Your latest payment was 04/15/2008. The total amount paid was Php672.25.”

• Whew! I can’t deny the fact that I should take responsibility for this. Thank God for the provision. For me, it’s bad timing to receive this bulging bill because its vacation time and I don’t have any financial source as of now. However, God is so faithful. He provided for my needs. Thank God!

4. Denial of fact: This form of denial is where someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details in order to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yesing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies in order to avoid facts that they think may be potentially painful to themselves or others.

• Yesterday, I sent a message through YM to “her”. I said, “How are you?” She replied that she’s okay. At first, I was hesitant to talk to her because like what Jaja said, it’s useless for obvious reasons. However, I can’t help but to do it. So, I told her I heard some rumors about her. Then, I started to ask her if it’s true. She said, “No. It’s not true. I’m still single.” I was shocked upon her reading her reply. She even asked me where I got that idea that she’s in a relationship right now. I just said to her that I got it from a reliable source. I also told her that I saw a picture supporting the allegations about her. At the end of our chat, she said that it’s not true. She said that she’s still single. She’s going out with some guys but it’s not a date.

5. Denial of denial: This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion.

• Honestly, upon reading her answers, I don’t know what I should be feeling. I want to believe that she’s telling the truth because it will not cost her anything if she’ll conceal it from me. I don’t know if after knowing that she’s still single, should I be happy or should I feel guilty for misjudging her. I don’t know if she’s just denying it for her personal reasons or telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

• Nevertheless, all I wanted is to know the truth. The truth that will set us both free. Anyway, denying it will not even compensate the pain I felt for days. I just pray the best for both of us.